Staying Friends with Adult Siblings

"When I found out I had cancer, the first person I called was my sister.  I knew she'd be there for me."

"I have not spoken to my brother in three years.  We've been angry with each other for all that time and I don't even remember why."

"When my family gets together for holidays, all we do is fight."

"I have a brother and a sister and although we live on opposite sides of the country, we visit by phone at least once a week.  We all made a promise that no matter what went on in our lives, we'd always be a safety net that each of us could count on."

The most important messages that we deliver to one another come early in life.  They come from our family.  The family, no matter whom it consists of, is where we learn to develop relationships;  to love, argue, share, laugh, cry, grieve and play.  The family circle may have been strong and healthy enough to give us a good start on the road of life.  It may have been disappointing and unfulfilling or even hurtful and dysfunctional.  As we move through life, most of us leave home and create adult relationships to rework our sense of self.

Such changes are complicated, involving both beginnings and endings, pain and joy.  It may be necessary to pull away from siblings to reaffirm our relationships with one another as adults.  The map may be filled with rough roads and wrong turns, but as long as we respond to the uncertainties with common sense, flexibility and affection, we'll find our way.  Here are some suggestions that may be helpful.

Make time for one another.  Create ways to spend time together.  Everyone is busy and it's easy to let the days slip by.  Pick up the phone and call.  Write a letter, note or postcard.  Email.  Remember birthdays.  Share important news.

Take a loving look and be willing to forgive.  As children we often inflict hurt on one another and it may take years to overcome.  We brood and hold a grudge.  Saying "I forgive you" may be the most powerful thing you'll ever do.  It means letting go and that you are no longer handcuffed to the person who hurt you.  Forgiving allows you to move out of a place of bitterness and into a state of grace.

Nourish the relationship.  When you grow up and keep loving, the relationship becomes a strong bond between two people.  If you're only concerned with your own feelings, only you can win.  When you nourish the relationship, both people win.

Foster friendship.  Look to the future and benefit from the perspective time brings.  Times change and people change but one of the constants in life is the importance of family.  Let go of old hurts and stick to the positive rule:  treat siblings like good friends.

As we get older and move on with our lives, families change.  We no longer sit around the same table each day, but we can still love one another deeply, tenderly and lastingly.  We can argue and make up.  We can laugh and play.  We can make time together and be there in time of need.  No matter what, it's never too late to have a satisfying relationship with our siblings.