Controlling Your Temper

"Short temper is a loss of face." - Fortune Cookie

WHAT or WHO makes you lose your cool?  A former spouse, a disrespectful child, a stranger talking through a movie, someone you work with or for?  The examples can be endless and you could probably add to the list.

Do you lose your temper slowly, or quickly?  What do you do when you get upset?  Sulk, use sarcasm, bellow, rant, or try to use reasoned argument?  Do you forgive quickly, carry a grudge, or accept and move on?  Do you think you're responsible?  Or is it the other person's fault?

We lose our temper when we think the world is unfair.  If depression is anger turned inward, as is commonly stated, then anger is depression turned outward.  Follow the trail of anger inward, and you are likely to find a sense of being hurt at life's unfairness.  Losing one's temper can be a method of last resort coping when we have not learned to get along with others and resolve problems.

It's OK and understandable to feel upset, but it's not OK to take it out on someone else.

Express your anger with the goal of improving communication.  This kind of expression can be beneficial.  Anger that is expressed in a vindictive manner or to vent without regard for the impact on others, however, usually hurts both parties.

When feelings of anger are triggered, we tend to tell ourselves things that will escalate that emotion.  Often this self-talk is in the form of "shoulds" as in "this should never happen, especially to me."  Another self-talk statement that escalates anger is, "I can't stand this."  If you can examine the situation closely, most likely you can "stand" it and already are.  Try to challenge self-talk that is irrational and only serves to escalate your anger.

What are the benefits of learning to control one's temper?  Healthier families, long lasting friendships, better chances of job retention, and career advancement, better physical and emotional health, and reduced chances of violence.

Try these tips if you feel your temperature rising:

1. Have a cooling off habit - count to 10, engage in noncompetitive exercise, learn relaxation techniques.
2. Have a distraction - go to a movie, read, go for a walk.
3. Learn different alternatives to aggression - negotiation, helping others, standing up for one's rights, responding to teasing, and keeping out of fights.
4. Learn and practice basic social rules - starting a conversation, listening, asking questions, and saying please and thank you.  If you have a surly waiter, your pleasant manners may defuse his bad mood.  You will feel better about how you handled the situation.
5. Identify role models who show "grace under pressure."  Most of us know people like this.  Watch what they do, and practice acting out new responses to different situations with someone you trust.
6. Try to see another's point of view.  The little boy who didn't want to go to bed every night wasn't defying his mother.  He was afraid of the ghosts outside his window.  When mom realized this, she opened the window, told the ghosts to go away and reassured the child she would wait there until he went to sleep, which he promptly did.
7. Think like an "owner" not a "victim."  No matter what adversity, say "why not me" instead of "why me."  If given a diagnosis of a serious illness, "own" the new situation and focus on acceptance.  See what can be created - resolve past differences, educate others.
8. Have a THOUGHT plan sequence when starting to lose control.  THINK:
   Cool Thoughts - "Just stay cool."
   Problem Solving - "It's OK to feel annoyed.  OK, develop a plan.  What's the first step?"
   Ultimate Control & Escape - "I'm in control of me.  I can take time out, cool off, regroup, come back and deal more calmly with it."
   Self-Rewarding - "Good.  I'm handling this."
9. Develop a sense of humor. Not sarcastic humor, but try to see the absurd aspects of life, including the tendency to take life too seriously.  Humor transforms injustice into absurdity.  It also helps to rethink a problem.  Think, "What is funny about this NOW?"

Holly Gardner Socolow, MHS, is Manager of Employee Assistance Services and Dr. Kathryn R. Maz is a Licensed Psychologist at Life Management Associates.

Sources:  Tavris, Carol, "Anger:  The Misunderstood Emotion:
Fair, J., PsyD & Zuckerman, E., Ph.S., "Resilience = CQ & EQ"