Speak Up, Feel Good & Improve Your Relationships

What do you do when...

• a family member calls to have a casual conversation, as you were about to retire for the evening.
• you are in the Express Lane in the supermarket and the person in front of you has more than 8 items in his or her cart.

Do you feel angry, confused, or smile and say nothing?  You don't have to suffer.  Assertive communication has helped many people learn to express themselves in a way that can actually improve relationships - whether at work, with family or in public settings.

According to Alberti & Emmons in Your Perfect Right:  A Guide to Assertive Living, people who act assertively are very comfortable with expressing their limits to others calmly while respecting the other person.  Assertive behavior is based on self and other respect and honest communication.  The body language is self-assured and friendly.  "I would love to talk, but was about to hit the sack.  How about if I give you a call after dinner tomorrow, around 7:00."

Aggressive and assertive behaviors are often confused but are not the same.  Aggression is hostile, not respectful.  Statements often use, "You," or "They."  Body language can include tight muscles, glaring eyes and furrowed brow.  "Who do you think you are, in this line with that full cart?"

That Jerk!  What a jerk.  He knows how much work I have.  Wait a minute.  Check out that assumption.  It's quite possible that jerk doesn't have a clue what your other demands are.  It's up to you to let her know.  An assertive statement gives you the best chance of a win-win.  "I understand you need the report first thing tomorrow morning.  It is now a half hour until closing, and I have a personal commitment immediately after work that I would prefer not to change.  I can have an outline with the basic numbers by 5:00.  Is that acceptable?  I am also requesting an extension of the deadline until tomorrow noon of the other assignment you had asked me to complete by the end of today."

Yikes, what if... What if he gets mad?  What if she doesn't like me anymore?  Are you frozen by the "what ifs?"  You may have a very good reason to be concerned.  See if these tips might help.

• Picture a positive mutual outcome.  "I'd like us to come to a mutual agreement.  If we can work together to meet the needs of this customer, it will reflect positively on our company.  That's better for all of us, do you agree?"
• If you see problems coming, head them off at the pass.  Unless your goal is to increase your blood pressure, don't wait until the end of the meal to tell the waiter you need to have the check by 7:30 to catch the 8:00 show.  Increase your chances of getting out by 7:30 by stating up front, "We have tickets for an 8:00 show and need to be out of here by 7:30.  We would like to enjoy our meal.  The last time we were here, the meal was late.  Can you serve it within the next 15 minutes please?"  (This may help meetings end on time as well).
• Say what you are afraid of.  Are you afraid someone will get angry?  Amazingly when you tell them that, it raises their awareness and causes them to stop and think before they react.  "I'm concerned that you might get angry, but this line is an Express Checkout.  Your cart looks pretty full and there is a long line of people behind you.  I'd prefer you moved to the other line and keep this for express checkout."  (You may get a standing ovation).

Where to Go From Here...
Assertive communication is a skill worth developing.  It can make you happier and improve your relationships with others.  But it can be difficult to change.  The suggestions in this article are just a few of the many that are possible.  Changing behavior can be a complex of changing attitudes, thoughts and practices.