A Change in the Demands of Marriage

Suddenly it seems that nothing you do is quite enough.  How did this happen?  What went wrong?  What did you do?  What can you do?

In marriage, the scales are not always balanced.  Each partner will at some time experience the problem of extra demands, of a spouse who seems to need more than he or she used to.  What do you do in this time of strife?  How do you cope with a change in your partner's demands?

RECOGNIZE that your spouse is going through stress, or he/she would not be needing more attention or support from you.  Look at the world through your spouse's eyes, and try to get an idea of how your spouse feels.

REMEMBER your commitment to your marriage.  Find the patience to be supportive, and remember that your spouse has supposed you in the past.  Now, it's your turn to be strong.

RESPECT your own limitations.  Can you do what you're being asked to do?  You can usually do more than you think, but you may not be able to do all that is asked of you. Admit your limitations to yourself and your spouse, but ask your conscience first:  "Is it that I can't do more or that I don't want to?"  If you don't want to do more, admit it instead of making promises you won't keep.

RE-EXAMINE your priorities.  Is your job keeping you too preoccupied from your family?  Have you spent too much time with friends lately, and not enough with your spouse and family?  Does a hobby or community commitment take up time that you used to spend with your spouse?

REALIGN your life with your spouse.  Be willing to give in to your spouse's needs, if that is what is right for your marriage.  Talk with your spouse about what each of you expects from your marriage and from each other.  You may find that you've been making some incorrect assumptions about each other, and about what each other wants.

REFLECT on how your spouse got to the point of needing you more than before.  Was it really "all of sudden?"  Talk about the problems and needs that led up to the current problem, and see how you can work together to prevent a similar problem in the future.

REMEMBER:  Give your marriage a little "preventative maintenance."

Holly Gardner Socolow, MHS, CEAP, is Manager of Employee Assistance Services for Life Management Associates.