Managing Divorce

Falling in and out of love has always been one of the great mysteries of life.  And today, when half of this country's marriages are ending in divorce, the mystery is still troublesome.  None of us is immune.  We enter a marriage believing, or at least hoping, that it will last forever.  And when it falls apart, so do our lives.

Experts agree that a successful divorce, just like a solid marriage, requires cooperation.  Here are some guidelines that may provide help getting past the painful steps of separating.

Recognize the fact that divorce is a death... the death of a relationship.  Divorce usually includes a period of grief and mourning.  It gives us time to come to terms with our loss, to recognize, accept and live through the yo-yo of emotions that are a normal part of the grieving process.  It's an important stage that helps us move from the shock of separation, anger - a feeling of abandonment, sadness, guilt and fear - into the next important stage.  There we recognize our ability to grow and become a stronger, more independent person.

Be kind to yourself.  Divorce is often an emotional rollercoaster:  from the ups and downs of feeling excited about beginning a new life to depression, loneliness, a sense of failure and low self-esteem.  Take good care of yourself as you would a close friend.  Get plenty of rest, practice stress-reducing techniques, eat well, exercise, and stay in touch with family and friends who are positive and supportive.

Letting go of blame can help soften anger and bitterness.  Prevent arguments with your ex-spouse from becoming ugly and brutal by developing an "Observer Self."  The Observer becomes an inner friend who monitors your feelings, holds your hand and prevents you from reacting in a mean and hurtful way.

Develop a co-parenting relationship to help children survive the effects of the divorce.  Recognize that children are the positive aspect of marriage and that they should never be used as weapons to hurt your spouse.  Children have the right to love both parents, so explain the divorce simply and honestly in language a child can understand.

Children often feel responsible for their parents' divorce.  Tell them clearly, as many times as necessary, that they are not to blame.  Make them understand that even though their parents will no longer be married, neither one is divorcing his or her children... and then honor that commitment in every way possible.  Allow your child to express hurt and angry feelings.  Continue to provide as much continuity as possible and avoid unnecessary changes.  Be willing to seek professional counseling and encourage children to develop a support network of family and friends.

Letting go and moving on are sure signs that you're taking the right steps to accept and adjust to a major change in your life.  New beginnings can be exciting and energizing.  It's a good time to evaluate your values and establish goals and priorities.  There may be reoccurring times of sadness:  when that happens, try to celebrate the fact that the lives of two people came together for whatever time was meant to be.

Try to honor one another as individuals and to acknowledge the wisdom of ending a marriage that no longer works or brings out the best in one another.  Consider a spoken or written goodbye, thanking one another and wishing each other well.  Even if the marriage was less than perfect, you have the opportunity to make sure it's a kinder, more gentle divorce.