Being In-Between

To live is to experience change.  We change from being babies to adolescents to adults.  Since this change is gradual and takes years, we adjust to the daily differences and barely notice them.

It's the sudden changes that catch us off guard and are very uncomfortable for many people.  Sudden changes imply that something you were used to has ended, often without warning:  a job, a relationship, financial security, a home, political or religious belief.  We usually think of change as a loss, but it could also be seen as a gain, such as a promotion.  The transition from a gain can still be uncomfortable.  When changes come from outside (involuntary), you may feel like you've been set to drift... to where?

William Bridges calls this the "in between" place in Transitions:  Making Sense of Life's Changes.

How do cicadas feel after 17 years of being comfortable and snug in the ground, only to be awakened by their DNA to go out into the world, for a day or so, mate and die?  They probably don't agonize over it.  They just do it.

We humans are a bit more complex.  We suffer and kvetch... we are elated and manic...  we are numb and immobilized.  We also celebrate life when times are good.  In other words, we have thoughts and feelings about events that impact us.  To help us better understand this and move more gracefully through transitions, Mr. Bridges does not propose the usual list of coping skills.  Rather, he suggests that we view transitions as a necessary part of growth.  This state moves from clarity, to disorientation, to re-orientation and a new way of being.  After re-orientation comes clarity, followed by another inevitable change - and we go through the process again.  This is the cycle of life, rather than a once-and-done event.  Each time, we emerge a little bit older and a little bit wiser.  Another way to look at this is:

If the change is involuntary, such as losing a job, we mourn the loss of what we had.  Even if the change is voluntary or welcomed, we may still feel afloat in the transition, but feel guilty that we're uncomfortable!

Let Go of the Ending.  You can't fully enter into a new beginning until you've let go of what's ended (involuntary) or what you want to end (voluntary).  Although we can ritualize endings, such as a funeral or cessation of a bad habit, the real letting go involves a process of little endings.  This is sometimes slow work and it's helpful to have rest and space to realize these mini-resolutions.

Since no EAP article is complete without a how-to, here are a few suggestions to help get you through the In-Betweens and solidly onto a New Beginning of your choosing:

Endings

• Take quiet time for reflection
• Reframe:  the glass is half full, not half empty
• Let go with a ritual:  i.e., burning a mortgage

In-Between

• Experience clarity, but prepare to move into disorientation
• Reorient to a new way of being / living
• Experience clarity and prepare for more change

New Beginning

• Celebrate your new life lessons and wisdom

Holly Gardner Socolow, MHS, is Manager of Employee Assistance Services at Life Management Associates.

Sources:  Tavris, Carol, "Anger:  The Misunderstood Emotion:
Fair, J., PsyD & Zuckerman, E., Ph.S., "Resilience = CQ & EQ"