Coping with Grief & Loss

"If a flower blooms once, it goes on blooming somewhere forever.  It blooms on for whoever has seen it blooming."
William H. Armstrong, from Sounder

Most of us will experience the powerful emotion of grief. We may grieve after a death or in anticipation of death.  Death evokes deep feelings of the loss of someone or something dear and irreplaceable.  We usually associate grief with people, but it may include beloved pets, a precious object or a shattered dream.

Grief may evoke very powerful waves of complex reactions.  The most obvious feeling is deep sadness.  Don't be surprised, however, if you experience other reactions:

• Shock - inability to comprehend or believe
• Numbness - inability to feel
• Loss of concentration - difficulty reading or counting
• Anger - towards others or even toward the loved one
• Guilt - wishing you could have done or said more
• Loss of meaning - it doesn't make any sense
• Spiritual questioning - it doesn't seem fair
• Confusion - getting lost or having difficulty with small decisions
• Physical illness - nausea, headaches, ulcers
• Changes in appetite - voracious appetite or nothing is appealing
• Difficulty sleeping - trouble falling asleep or frequent wakefulness
• Exhaustion - loss of energy;  difficulty getting out of bed
• Impatient - wanting to "be over it"
• Inability to laugh or feel happy

No two losses are the same.  Some are natural and expected, while others may be completely unexpected.  Some grief may be more complicated because of the circumstances of the loss.

Grieving is difficult:  many people find grief so uncomfortable they just want to be over it.  The best way to cope with grief is to accept the full range of your responses, including the ones you may feel are negative.  To deny this fundamental reality is to needlessly prolong your suffering.  Here are some suggestions to help you cope:

• Don't judge yourself for your reactions
• Cry when you are so moved
• If you are not in a private space, take a break
• Share memories with friends and family
• Eat nourishing and regular meals, even if they are small
• Seek meaning through your spiritual community and reading
• Avoid excess caffeine and alcohol
• Limit escapist behavior such as workaholism or TV
• Walk or engage in physical activity
• It's OK to laugh and enjoy being alive
• Write feelings in a journal
• Talk with a grief or pastoral counselor through your EAP
• Remember the funny and happy times
• Attend the funeral or memorial service
• Help others when you are ready
• Remember things you enjoy and do them
• Plan for the future

There is no time limit on grief.  Anything can trigger a memory - a car, flower, holiday, place or type of food.  It is normal to have such connections and to re-experience the loss over time.  When this happens, acknowledge that your reaction is normal and allow yourself to fully experience your feelings.

Most of us have heard about the Stages of Grief:  numbness, denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, and finally acceptance.  In real life, it doesn't quite work that cleanly.  The grief process is more like a spiral that can go backward and forward, but does eventually lose its impact.  With self-care and time, you will feel better.  You can remember and honor the memory of your loved one and be more empathetic with others when they experience a loss.

Holly Gardner Socolow, MHS, is Manager of Employee Assistance Services at Life Management Associates.