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Employee Assistance Services With you every step of the way. |
Life Management Associates |
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Preparing Your Child for Divorce Four of the most frightening words in the world to a child are, "We're getting a divorce." An older child may have noticed the clues, heard the threats and realized the ultimate conclusion. They may be just as shocked though, at hearing the words as the younger child who believes in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy as well as the certainty that his or her parents will always be together. Even though they have heard those threats and arguments, younger children are less able to see divorce as an option. "We can work it out. We've always worked it out before. I'll be better. I'll do the dishes - anything you want," they say. When children finally realize there is no turning back, they may have many questions. The most important questions center on their role in the change and how it's going to affect them. If you are planning a divorce, here are just of the few key questions that you will probably need to be prepared to answer. Is it my fault? A child may remember those occasions when he gave one or other parent a hard time. She may think that if her father or mother leaves home, it's because they don't want to live with her anymore. Children need to understand that divorce or separation is an adult solution to an adult problem and that the child is not at fault nor has any power or control over the situation. Children should be encouraged to talk about their fears, doubts and anger, and to grieve and cry. Can I fix it? How? It's very common for children to try to get their parents back together again - they can be very manipulative. This includes getting in trouble at school because it may bring both parents together for a conference or even sabotaging the efforts of one parent to start dating again. Will everybody be OK? If a child feels that one parent is more hurt by the divorce, and unable to take care of him- or herself, that child may assume the role of reassuring the parent. A child may want to live with the parent who has the most problems. Children need to be assured that it's not their problem to fix - it's the parent's responsibility. If I can't trust my parent's marriage, what can I trust? Children need to have future living arrangements spelled out to them along with how these arrangements will make their lives more stable. Children should not be given false assurance. A "there, there, everything will be all right" approach is not realistic or living - it can make a child weaker instead of stronger. It's okay to say "Things are going to be different." If I support one parent, will the other one be made at me? A child should never be put in the middle. Unconditional love from both parents is essential. Children need to be encouraged to express their love and affection for each parent without the fear of anger or disapproval by the other parent... and that they do not have to assume the role of referee for parents at war... or become caught in the middle of parents who compete for the affection and loyalty of their children. Will one or even both of my parents get remarried? It's important that parents make clear the distinction between just dating and the possibility of remarriage. Children need to know that their special place can never be challenged or taken by someone else. |
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A Child Needs...
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