When a Co-Worker Dies

How much time do you spend at work each week?  Thirty-five hours?  Forty hours?  Fifty or sixty hours?  If you work full time, you spend more time with your coworkers during the week than you do with your family.  It is no wonder then, that, when a coworker dies, it has a huge impact on us.  Your coworkers are not unlike your relatives:  even the ones you don't get along with are part of the family.  I have known people who fought and bickered with a particular coworker for twenty years, but when that coworker died suddenly, they were devastated and had a harder time coping than anyone else.

Grief is a part of life.  It is something we all go through, at one time or another. Generally speaking, the older you are, the more experience you have with grief. Teenagers can be particularly distraught when a fellow student or coworker dies.  If you haven't been through the grief process before, it can be scary and bewildering.  Working through grief, however, can make you a better and stronger person.  Avoiding it can cause all manner of emotional (as well as physical) problems.

Here are some things to remember when a coworker dies:

1. Be patient and understanding - everyone reacts differently.  You may find yourself chuckling as you remember a funny story about your deceased coworker, while the employee next to you may be feeling intense anger at the unfairness of losing someone they cared about.  If the two of you are not patient with each other, it's easy to see how misunderstandings can cause problems and conflict.

2. A contact person should be assigned to communicate with the deceased employees' family.  The last thing a widow (or widower) needs is to field seventeen phone calls from different coworkers all on the same afternoon.  Pass your thoughts to the contact person - cards, words of support, etc. - and that person can then pass everything on to the family.

3. Supervisors must take care of themselves, and take time to grieve.  It's not uncommon for supervisors to focus on caring for their grieving employees at the expense of their own feelings and needs.  Supervisors should set aside time to care for themselves, and should participate with employees in sharing thoughts and feelings they are experiencing.

4. Fill a blank journal with memories of your coworker, and present it to the family.  You experienced a part of your coworker's life that his or her family rarely got to see.  Sharing your memories of that time with the family can help them feel connected to the deceased in a while new way.

5. Create a memorial.  It may be best to wait a week or so and see what suggestions your fellow employees have.  Dedicating a plaque or a tree can be an excellent way to remember the coworker who has died.

6. Understand that someone will have to fill the position your coworker held.  While it's understandable to avoid or resent a new employee who sits at the desk of your deceased coworker, understand that they are dealing with an especially difficult situation - they probably didn't know the deceased employee, and yet they are a constant reminder to their coworkers that their friend is gone.  Make an effort to welcome the new employee, and be patient and understanding with them.

7. Many times, people need to talk about their loss.  This is normal, but if you don't feel ready or able to talk with your coworkers about the deceased, simply explain this as politely as you can.