Characteristics of a Successful Blended Family

Have you heard the myth that stepparents are evil and do not care for or nurture their stepchildren?  The assumption is that if there is a "step" relationship, there is a problem with that relationship.  I think there is a more natural way to see blended families.  In a time when a third of families in America have "step" relationships, we can look at them as another transition in the always-changing nature of families.  Visher and Visher identified four characteristics for successful merging.

Strong Partner Relationships
The challenges faced by a blended family are such that a couple who does not take care of their relationship will not remain together.  If you are entering a relationship and you or your partner already has children, you can expect to work for five years to stabilize your relationship.  You'll want to have realistic expectations of your partner.  You need to tell each other your needs and wants. Acknowledge your own grief about your previous partner or the "ideal" family you never had.  Finally, identify your conflicting loyalties and minimize the damage this causes to new relationships.

Strong Parent-Child Relationships
The caretaking parent of a child is the most important person in his or her life.  If you are that parent, recognize the conflict your child may feel when a new partner enters your life.  Your child is grieving the loss of his or her previous family;  you as a single parent or you plus an ex-partner.  Your child may feel conflict about accepting a new partner and how that reflects on his or her relationship with your ex.  It is in your child's best interest to do what you can to be supportive of your ex in front of your child, even if that is just not saying anything negative about the person.  If all adults involved (parents, grandparents, and stepparents) can work together for the child, this is the best situation.

Stepparent - Child Relationships
If you are the new partner, know that your relationship with your partner is separate from your relationship with his or her children.  Develop the new relationship with the child with the same respect you gave your new partner.  Look for common interests, things to do together, ways to do family life together that may be different from previous ways but work now for this family.  Let your partner take the lead in the discipline of the child and support him or her fully.  Slowly earn your role in disciplining the child over a period of years.

Parent-Partner Relationships
You, as the child's parent, will have to make room for the developing parent-child relationship.  If you and/or a non-custodial parent is jealous of the new relationship between your partner and your child, this can interfere in that relationship.  Give them room to get to know each other, to do things together.  Help your partner find things your child would enjoy doing.  Help your child sort out his or her loyalties, losses and gains so the new relationship can happen.

Look around you for successful blended families.  Pay attention to how they treat each other and ask other parents how they handled difficulties you are facing.  You are not in this alone!